This is a difficult concept for me. I am so goal oriented and not doing is so difficult for me. I had a lot of big ideas for this blog, fitness, nutrition, inspiration, etc., but struggling to get any of this out of my brain and onto paper. My sister and I had a thing going with Justmommies. Writing, networking, talking, connecting was my job. It was the best job I ever had. I had friends, albeit on the computer, but now I’m at a different place in my life. I am not in mommy gear anymore and the price of keeping up with the family I created is taking its toll. When I had my bazillion children, I was not working. This whole working mom thing is HARD. All I do is work anymore. I have no friends, no social outlets, and I’m feeling the price of this.
I think I’m an extroverted introvert if there’s such a thing
I am outgoing, social, and I have to express most of my feelings out loud or in writing, publicly. Super annoying, really. I remember it starting in high school, the advice to keep more of my personal stuff personal, not wear my heart on my sleeve, etc. Shit, believe me if I could, I would, but approaching 50 I’ve accepted that is how my brain is wired. It’s one of my endearing qualities, because as I tell my patients “What you see is what you get” and “I’m not capable of being anything else”. It earns me trust, but it also makes me vulnerable.
I had some big goals with this website besides just the yada yada yada of running my mouth.
This second surgery has made me really reflect hard on my life and the choices I am making.
I have this big goal to live to 100+. Really ridiculous, not the being a super centenarian part, but I’m the only idiot that thinks they can “outlive their problems”. Stupid. This shitty thinking coping skill started God knows when. I wait everything out. I distinctly remember it with Austin, my wayward child that I remember counting down the days until he turned 18 starting at age 12. Ask my sister. I still love him, but his mental illness I could not fix and the path he headed down was out of my control. We’re kind of in a better place now and I’m grateful for that, but this strategy of waiting everything out and counting down days I’m not doing it anymore. I’m tackling the stress head on and stopping the shoving it in a corner of my brain.
So okay back to my thoughts on this surgery. When they opened up my foot doc said in his op note that it was filled with mucinous and inflammatory tissue and my fascia appeared thickened with chronic disease.
Then I thought about my migraines. My head, chronic.
So here I am asking myself if my brain is filled with chronic stress, my heart, my arteries, my mind. I know this is idiotic, but I don’t really think so.
Inflammation is kind of my focus right now. I’m really big on science. I love it. I wish I had taken more science classes when I was younger so I could understand more of the technical stuff, but still science is a big favorite for me.
I’ve been reading tons on inflammation. I know sugar is a cause of inflammation and I know when I’m stressed, I am a huge sugar eater. I’ve also been reading tons on the gut microbiome.
This week I did a little experiment while I was sitting on my ass. I followed the fasting mimicking diet for 5 days. Not for weight loss, but for autophagy and possible help with wound healing. I was sitting doing nothing anyways. It was kind of like a reset. I also have been on antibiotics this week. So, some weird things I’ve noticed today. (I’ve also been reading a lot about sugar and your gut microbiome too.) I made my chocolate chia pudding today but left out any sugar or artificial sweeteners. Just made it with almond milk, chia seeds, and dark chocolate. Prior to this fast, that would have tasted awful. I’d have had to add sugar. Now, I’m super curious if the antibiotics killed the sugar loving bacteria in my gut and if the fasting helped reset it.
I’m spending the next 4 weeks really working on this reset. I’ve been big on the fermented foods, but not consistent. I’m super curious if I load up with healthy stuff for my microbiome and halt feeding the sugar in my microbiome if this reset will continue.
Then the second part, the mind, resting, not doing.
I clearly am doing somethings wrong with my stress management. I’m a work in progress and I have definitely improved, but it’s taken this surgery to own up to the fact that all the healthy eating and exercise in the world isn’t going to fix the damage of chronic stress. I need to make “not doing” a part of my “to do-ing”.
Connecting to people
I jokingly say “I have no friends” to my bosses and coworkers all the time. I have associates and people I talk to, but for being an extrovert I have really isolated myself. I struggle making time to spend with people for keeping up with all the shit I think I need to do.
I want to continue working on this blog, doing my extroverting extroversion. Got no choice, it’s me. I accept that, but I am making a big goal for 2023 to start spending time with actual people again, doing things “just for fun”, and trying to find the joy in life a little more often.
So, no more trying to “outlive my problems”. The present is now. My biggest goal in the new year is spending more time with people and finding the joy in the present.
Stay tuned for articles on gut health, science, the microbiome, and exercise. For right now, I’m just writing the random stuff that comes out of my head and focused stuff will come again later.